Joe asks 'Is it me or what?'

Good News, Bad News

An article appeared in the media recently which gladdened my heart somewhat. A study of 19,000 subjects showed those who had a glass of wine after work were less likely to put on weight than those who stuck to mineral water. So what’s the bad news? Unfortunately the 19,000 in question were all women. As the research took over thirteen years unless someone has started already I’m in for a long wait before I can justify my post work tipple.

A Bit Rude?

Suppose you had asked someone over for dinner, not anyone you knew well but a friend of a friend sort of thing. When they arrive they present you with a gift. You immediately show them a similar gift brought by someone you both know. Sounds a bit rude to me but that’s what the queen did when Jacob Zuma presented her with a chess set this week, she showed him one Nelson Mandela had given a few years earlier.

I feel let down by Zuma; he’s been moaning about how the English still look down on former colonies and any culture other than their own – he should try visiting France if he thinks we’re bad at this – but then he wimps out and only brings one of his three current wives. So much more entertaining if they’d all turned up and it would have given the Buckingham House flunkies more problems on which one should be seated next to Prince Philip.

Pride Comes Before a Fall

I was pleased when a colleague wanted to borrow my book, Beginning XML, the other day. It’s a hefty tome, nearly 1000 pages and probably needs an update in some areas but it’s still a good introduction to XML and how it’s used. My sense of pride however turned into one of disappointment when I discovered that they needed it as a stand for their monitor…

Misleading Headlines

The headline in some editions of last night’s Evening Standard had me thinking of the wrong person, perhaps I’m just too behind the times?

OSBOURNE’S BROTHER GAVE DRUG TO ADDICT VICE GIRL

it shouted. I naturally assumed it meant Ozzy Osbourne’s brother, after all it had the hallmarks of a story about him, not the sibling of shadow chancellor George. On the other hand perhaps the Conservatives still have a long way to go to gaining a foothold in the mass consciousness.

Another article had me thinking too, bank bosses were being asked to waive their bonuses or face the public’s anger. One instance was Lloyd’s chief executive Eric Daniels who’s being pressured to relinquish £2.25 million. Now what would most people do, take the money and face a few weeks of moans in the press or say,  never mind – you keep it? And if he does turn it down what will people think, he’s a good guy - not abusing the system or he must be very rich already, where did that all come from? Again perhaps just my cynical side showing through.

No-Help Desk

I wrote before about the trouble I’ve had with my internet connection provided by Virgin Media and we finally decided to give them the heave-ho when they admitted they couldn’t even give us a date when it would be resolved by. So we’ve gone for BT although if their TV selection is poor we might bite the bullet and have Sky installed.

The internet was up and running within minutes, although I had to do it myself even though they sent a man around to change my phone connection to BT which took most of the day. The low point so far has been trying to use the internet phone that came with the wireless router, it’s a separate line which I thought would be handy if anyone wanted to call me as my daughter spends most of the time on the other one talking to people who she’s just seen all day at school.

However, the thing didn’t work and my attempts to register it on the web site met with there’s been an internal error message so I emailed  the help desk as advised quoting the number affected. Lo and behold I received an email back some three hours later claiming they wanted to help me but had been unable to contact me on the number I had given and could I send more information. The wording of my reply as to the efficacy of trying to call me on a number that I’ve reported as out of order probably explains why I’ve still to receive a reply. The TV box arrives this week, let’s see if that’s any better…

More from YCMIU*

There have been many reports about the specialist who has been struck off for attaching an artificial left foot to someone who had lost their right foot giving them two left feet. And no John Sergeant jokes please.

Now anyone can make mistakes, but apparently this wasn’t spotted after two check-ups either, which seems hard to believe. What I find amazing is the unfortunate person who’d lost his real foot through infection didn’t spot it either. Apparently wearing a shoe on it hid the mistake, but surely he must have taken it off at some stage? I suppose it’s possible that he removed the whole thing to sleep, or even slept with it on. It also possible that the shoe was fairly large to fit on the wrong way and not matched with the one on the real foot. But, at the end of the day, what was going on in those check-ups?

*You Couldn’t Make It Up – not strictly true, there was an episode of The Simpsons where the accident-prone Dr. Nick sews an amputated arm and a leg on the wrong way around.

There’s Nowt As Queer

I was on the train yesterday, about to leave Paddington, when a lady walked past and spotted The Times on my table, one of the free ones provided on the service.

Does that belong to anyone? she asked, and I replied that it was a complimentary copy, courtesy of First Great Western. Oh, she said, and walked off, leaving the paper behind…

The Oldest Swinger In Town

I popped into a club in Soho a couple of days ago, not because I like clubs, I don’t, they’re too noisy, overpriced and not the place to meet the sort of people I like to meet – your mileage may vary.

You may wonder why I was there, the reason was the place next door, which was a pleasant wine bar, but had a problem and all the toilets were out of order and after a few glasses of Pinot Grigio I couldn’t wait any longer.

So I step outside, into the pouring rain of course, and try the nearest bar. I say a cheerful good evening to the bouncer and try to look like someone about to spend a lot rather than use the loo and he opens the door for me. The music is predictably loud and I ask a couple of blokes near the bar where the gents are. One of them points across the room and asks me an odd question, are you from Exeter City? I am taken a little aback at this, I may have a residual Black Country twang but no-one’s ever picked up a Devon accent before, how can he have noticed that up from one sentence in a noisy bar? I say sorry? and he repeats the question, I reply yes and he ask how he can tell and he points to the toilets and starts to follow me.

Anyway that is how, for the first time in my life, I met a dealer in the toilet at a bar to buy some ecstasy. I had to explain that I’d misunderstood, I blamed the noise rather my old age and poor hearing, I didn’t say anything about Exeter, he didn’t seem too pleased at it was.

Lazy Sods Need Not Apply

I spotted possibly the ultimate in political correctness today. The job centre in Thetford, Norfolk rejected an advert that asked for reliable and hard-working people on the grounds that unreliable people may be offended by it. No comment was made about shirkers feeling miffed. Read the full story from the BBC site.

Garda Solve Major Case

Sometimes you read news that seems to be taken from straight from a comedy sketch, sometimes it’s hard to imagine even a script writer coming up with it.

The news I’m referring to comes from Ireland, where police have been concerned about the activities of one Prawo Jazdy, a Polish chap who had accumulated dozens of motoring offences over the last few years. The baffling thing was that no-one could find any record of this man, each time the address on the licence was different and the person did not exist at the address.

After an investigation it was discovered that Prawo wasn’t a criminal mastermind with a string of identities more convoluted than Jason Bourne, in fact he’s not even human. Prawo Jazdy is in fact the Polish for driving licence. The Irish police has since been sent a memo and guidelines explaining the format of driving licences to prevent poor Prawo been accused of any more offences. You can read the BBC’s report on the story here if you think I’m making this up, although I still think the whole thing’s a hoax.

My one question is, is there a Mr. Driving Licence wanted in Poland for similar breaches of traffic law?